A list

This morning I wrote out a list. It’s a sort of weekly to-do list, but sort of not. It’s actually bigger than that.

The to-do items on this list represent some first steps in bigger projects, things that I really want to do. Things that have been on my mind for a while, which I haven’t done anything about. Things that scare me. Things that I really want.

It’s hard to actually really want something. I find that it is, at least. If you really want something, you can really get hurt by not having it. I’ve never really wanted anything too badly, as an unconscious defensive mechanism. If I don’t want something too much, I can shrug it off when it doesn’t happen. If I only really want things that I can be sure of, then there’s little risk involved.

This morning I wrote down a list of things that are not at all assured. A scary list. An I-don’t-know-if-I-can-do-this list. An I-don’t-even-know-how-to-do-this list.

It’s only a list. None of the things have happened yet. There will have to be a lot more lists before any of the things come into being, if they ever do. But the list has escaped from my head. All of these things are just a little bit more real than they were yesterday. Doing the things on the to-do list will make them a little more real still. Making the next to-do list could make them even more real.

I’m not good at really wanting things yet, and I’m not very good at chasing things I want. But I have a list. It’s a start.


1 comment so far

  1. Lynn on

    Of course, if you don\’t have a list of what you want, you never get what you want, either. Two-edged sword, that – and I find that mostly, the hurty side of the sword doesn’t come out very much compared to the handy-for-slicing-really-good-cake side. (Do not attempt this metaphor strangulation at home, children!)

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