Losing my voice

The last three weeks have been a wreck.  I’ve had my worst run-in with anxiety in several years, followed by a spell of bad depression, lifting into anger and then the uncomfortable process of moving through the changes anger insists on.  I’ve completely lost all of my routines, have been neglecting the most basic things (like feeding-and-watering-myself basic), and have been feeling icky and limp because of it.  It’s just been strange up in here, y’all.

I haven’t had anything to say.  I haven’t been writing for myself, even, let alone for the world at large.  The whole idea just pushed me away.  I didn’t even want to put words together of feel that it was worth it.  I have felt bad about that.

There’s a thing I’ve learned from my taiji coaches, which I got reminded of a couple of times today.  That sometimes before a new piece of knowledge clicks into understanding, everything gets weird and shaky.  That sometimes part of the process the body undergoes as it assimilates new learning is this stupid awkward phase in which nothing seems to go right.  Everything old gets shaken up in order to make room for something new.

I’m thinking about that now.  I really hope it’s true.  I really hope this stupid awkward painful phase is part of a real process of change underway, and something will be better on the other side.  I really, really badly hope it’s true.


2 comments so far

  1. Suebert on

    Hang in there!

  2. Cat on

    Hugs, keep strong.

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