What it boils down to (thoughts from a notebook, 7/10/2012 edition)

…It goes at the deepest hardest thing, which is the lack of affection and physical contact and comfort that has been pervasive through my whole life.  I really just want to be held and feel loved.  So much of my life boils down to that.  This thing I want so badly that I can’t let myself want it at all, can not let myself want, for fear I will never have it at all and my whole life will just be empty, will never feel full, for lack of it.  I just want So. Badly. to be held.

I don’t let myself want anything strongly unless it is absolutely certain I can get it.  Because any unrequited want reminds me of the empty well at the bottom of my spirit.  The bone-dry well which always reminds me, You are not loved, and you are not worthy.

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