Thoughts from a notebook, 6/4/2012 edition

Written in my scribbeldy notebook on 6/2.

There’s this big scared thing inside me about taiji, that says YOU’LL NEVER BE WORTH ANYTHING.

I don’t even know how you get good at this like my teachers and all the people who perform and who move up the belt ranks so fast. I don’t know what they looked like when they were two-year-old martial artists. Some of the middle-rank kids are so young, and still so awesome, and I just wish I could be like that, and I’m afraid that I can’t.

I have so little respect for where I am now, and what I have learned to now. I feel it is nothing. I devalue myself and my progress and all the work I have done so far. It is nothing in my eyes if I am not feeling the bite and pull of massive progress.

I just … I really want to be good at this, and I don’t even know why. Maybe cause it’s the only place I have in the external world where I fit and contribute now, and I want to be better and fit more. Would being better make me fit more? What do I want, just for me?

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