Thoughts from a notebook, 5/28/2012 edition

Written in my scribbeldy notebook this morning.

… I want affection. Isn’t that what I said to G— about [an online community we belong to]? Why it hurts right now? I want affection, and I feel like I have precious little. Reading other people’s conversations where it’s present just makes me sore and resentful.

There’s the other thing I said to G— though. That maybe I just do a terrible job of letting people see what’s going on with me. How often does anyone get to see me really down? Other than pained little barbs jabbed out at the world, which are nothing more or less than requests for attention. They haven’t been working lately. I say something out of hurt and get no response. What I really want is connection, and I don’t know how to ask for it. The best I know how to do is put myself in places where other people are. But that still doesn’t really get me what I want. That’s always directed at some purposeful thing: learning taiji, making church go. Nothing personal, when I need something personal. I just really flail about how to get it.

I think I do a terrible job of letting people see what’s going on inside of me, and it helps to keep me isolated when I really badly need community and love. I really don’t know what I’m going to do about that yet.

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