Not what you want

I’m not what you want
I’m not anyone
But if you needed me
I could be someone
    Caedmon’s Call, “What You Want”

This wasn’t the first song I asked my iPod to play this morning, but the iPod chose it for me soon after.  It hits me in a hard place today, by summing up a lot of what I feel and couldn’t say, until a song said it for me.

I’m not what you want.  Right now, you don’t need me.  Nobody does.

I daresay this is a place where a lot of people who read my scribblings will say HEY, WAITAMINUTE.  Simmer down, peeps.  I’m not saying nobody cares about me.  I’m saying, consider what percentage of your practical day-to-day life would be affected if I suddenly disappeared.  Before you need to fetch a calculator and do any math, I’ll give you the answer: none.  I’m not useful right now.  There are a few cases where I pitch in some volunteer time, but it’s not much, and not enough, and I’m not vital there.  It wouldn’t be a crisis if I disappeared (and I don’t intend to, but still, not a crisis).

That … really hurts, more than I think I realize most of the time, and today it’s landing really hard.  I like being useful.  I like being part of a team, getting things done, being valued and helpful.  I just don’t have it, and not much confidence at all I can find a place on a team, doing good work.

The more I think about this the weaker I feel, and the more helpless.  Such a hard place, to not be needed and not be wanted.  I’m not the only one here, I know.  Far too many people in the same situation, for a lot of reasons.

What to do about it?  I don’t know.  Today I don’t know if I have the fortitude to do anything at all, except hope for distraction.

I’m not what you want.  I’m not anyone.  But if you needed me, if someone needed me … maybe I could be someone.

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2 comments so far

  1. Kim on

    {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

    You feel how you feel. I can’t change that and I’m not sure it would be helpful to try. Instead, I’ll share two quotes that hang in my office (where I spend entirely too much of my life, but that’s another story for another day). And then I’ll pass on some unsolicited advice.

    “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.” – Vivian Greene (Hint: perspective changes everything)

    “When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you.” – I have no idea who said this first, but the friend who shared it with me is entirely too perceptive & was dead right, as usual.

    When something isn’t going right, some people see what’s wrong, they see a problem; others see an opportunity. So, you’ve identified the “problem”. Spend some time really being with it. Then, figure out what the opportunity is or – worst case – dance anyway, even in the middle of the storm.

  2. John Oglesby on

    Hi Cris – I can certainly identify. I might have to hire you to write my life story sometime. ;-) That said, I agree with everytihng in the message above from Kim…


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