A coward’s dilemma

This week I went to visit a seminary I really like.  I think it could be a good place to join.

I hoped visiting in person again would help me discover if I really am meant to pursue more education.  But I don’t find myself any clearer in my mind or feelings.  I’m just as ambivalent as ever.

The fact here (and it’s an ugly fact) is that I don’t want the responsibility of making the choice.  It’s a big, hard decision with a lot of practical ramifications, and I want to know ahead of time how it will turn out.  I want to know if I’m supposed to do it or not, and I want someone else to make that determination.  I don’t want to assume the risk alone.  I don’t want to assume the risk at all.

What does God think of this seminary idea?  He’s the only one with real authority over me at this stage to say yes or no.  But I don’t hear him saying anything at all.

Do I really believe in that “I will never leave you or forsake you” nonsense he wrote into his book?  If it really stretched far enough to cover the possible screwing-up of big, hard decisions, would that finally give me the freedom to move?

Little-girl me thought that screwing up meant losing love and approval.  Can grown-up me be brave enough to risk it?  In the hope that she was wrong?

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1 comment so far

  1. georg on

    One of God’s gifts is that we are given the ability to Choose. Not just right from wrong, but what wide open road to walk. God loves and accepts us, no matter which path, even if it is the wrong one. I don’t think there is a wrong answer, except to stop putting one foot in front of the other. We have to keep moving forward, one way or another. I know I have screwed the pooch with a few important decisions. But I have dealt with what I am given now, and I keep trying to go forward. Remember the prodigal son, when you’re worried about the wrong path. God already knows which way you’ll go. He’s there for you always.


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