The list

This morning I found another piece of God’s answer for me — and found he started answering me before I ever asked him anything.

Over the weekend I was doing some rearranging on my Kindle, and pulled down a book I forgot I had ever downloaded, “When Panic Attacks,” by Dr. David D Burns. I don’t think I ever finished reading it, or at least I don’t remember having finished, and I put it back on my Kindle to see what it was.

I promptly forgot about it again, because while I was paging through my list of books this morning on the treadmill, I was surprised to see it there. It took me a minute to remember what it was and why it was there. I opened it up to read a bit and see what’s in there.

At the very place where I left off reading, years ago, was a thing I needed to remember: thoughts determine feelings. Distorted thinking is at the root of much anxiety and depression. In short, we believe lies about ourselves. We lie to ourselves about our own worth, our achievements, how other people “must” see us. We don’t see the world for what it really is. We don’t see ourselves for who we really are.

I am driven to seek out truth in the outer world; it’s harder, but I will seek it inside myself as well. I’m not going to let a pack of stupid evil lies ruin my life.

I am going to break open that undifferentiated ball of “lonely” and “unloved” and “unhappy” and “depressed” that I wrote about yesterday, and I will see what’s really in there. I will root out the lies and plant truth, about myself and the people I know and my world. It’s scary to face, and I don’t care. I will do it anyway.

The very first thing I will acknowledge is that I am loved. I know the basic fact of this is true. I’m not negating my own emotional reactions sometimes, I just know they’re somewhere based on a lie. The truth is, I am lovable and highly loved.

To prove it, I opened up my scribbeldy notebook this morning and made a list of all the people who I know I am loved by, people I have positive connections with. My mom and dad, my brothers and their families, all my close family are at the top of the list; it continues with friends I’ve made online, friends I’ve made at my taiji school, at church. I’m sure I haven’t caught everyone (in fact, I made a couple of head-smacking additions at the very end, wondering how I could possibly have missed them earlier), but I listed everyone I thought of.

There are 72 people on my (incomplete) list. Seventy-two people who would disagree with my emotional wailing — that I feel unloved and unlovable.

In honor of all of them, I will find a way to root up that lie and kill it.

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5 comments so far

  1. brother on

    I’m proud to be on that list.

  2. georg on

    please add me to that list, if I’m not there.

    /hugs/

  3. Other Brother on

    Me too!!!

  4. Cat on

    Make sure I’m on that list too.

  5. melanie on

    I hope I’m on that list for you!


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