Unhopeful

Monday after Thanksgiving Day in the United States, and I’m unhopeful.  I have gratitude for a lot of things, but I’m not hopeful today about what the future holds.

Emotions are liars.  Sometimes they’re nice and all, but sometimes they’re horrible, greedy, manipulative things.  They always want to be nice, at any cost.  If you’re experiencing something that makes the feelings all go icky, they push on you really hard to get out.  Even if the experience is vital.

An unhopeful day gives me a chance to examine hopelessness.  I want to see what it is, what it may be, and how it’s not relevant to my intentions right now.  I want to learn how not to listen to it, because I think hopelessness is one of the biggest liars of all.

Tired

Today I am tired.  I’ve spent the last four days primarily hanging out with various parts of my family, including my high-energy niece and nephew, both of which want me to play with them at every possible opportunity.  I do my best to oblige, which means I’ve been on the go for much of the last four days.  Add that to being out of my normal routines and cycles, and to not having nearly as much time to myself as normal (even calm adults can be exhausting if you’re not used to sharing the same space as them all the time), and I’m a tired, tired girl.  It’s hard to hold on to any feeling of hope when tired, especially in the face of serious uncertainty.  My incomeless situation counts (does it ever count).

Hungry

I’ve eaten really well over this holiday weekend, but today I’m back to feeding myself, less richly and elaborately than for the several days prior.  As is often the case, I feel like I can’t be bothered.  Prepping and eating food is just a disinteresting chore today, and I’ve only taken half-hearted swings at it.

Part of my tiredness and unhopefulness is just the fact that I haven’t fed myself well yet today.  Body chemistry; what a concept.  That’s a problem with a simple solution (she says to herself, pointedly).

Lonely

I’ve spent the last four days around a lot of the people I love most in the world, and even if it gets noisy and rattling sometimes, it’s also really, really nice.  Even though it’s kind of a relief to have some peace and quiet today, it’s still kind of lonely.  Lonely never helps anything.

Scared

Being close to the end of the month, it’s time to deal with major bills.  Being the last Monday of the month and a morning when I happened to think of it, I started paying off those big bills.  Which is the most frightening thing right now.  It brings me inescapably nose-to-nose with the fact that I have little or no money coming in, and the reserves I have left have to go out.  Until they’re all gone, and then if I’m still not making any money, I don’t know what I’ll do.

Scary.  Very very scary and hard, and I cried about it this morning and howled and prayed for God to lead me out of my stupidity-induced situation and point me toward what he has in mind for me to do next.  I’m grateful (yes, really) to have enough money to cover my current obligations, but the scary is paramount today, and I don’t have the reserves to fight it off — or to get to work, which is how I’m going to get somewhere better.

What to do?

A set of hard problems today, and in the middle of them, I am very unhopeful indeed.  Thankfully, I know feelings are liars.  I feel unhopeful, but it’s not going to boss me around.

I’ve already had a decent nap today and spent a fair bit of time just staring into space, which sometimes is the best way to give my brain a rest.  I have eaten, just not everything I need (protein is my friend), and I can fix that with just a little bit of work.  I was thinking about skipping my usual Monday taiji class because of being so tired and drained, but … maybe I’ll go, if only because there are really awesome people at my school and there’s always a positive spirit in the place.

And scared?  I’m not letting scared beat me at bloody well anything.  Today is for taking care of myself, so that tomorrow I can get back to work and hit it hard.  I’m already doing the primary thing I need to do:  words are happening, in this post right here.  I’m writing.  Scared never gets to take that from me again.

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