The obstacles

Last night I went to bed with a headache, and this morning when I woke up it hadn’t left yet. Nor has it left now. I’m not sure what part of it is made up of tension, but I’d be willing to bet a chunk of it is.

When I get a headache, some of the first things to go are efficiency and ability to plan. I wanted to do a couple of errands today, but I’ve run out of time this afternoon (having another appointment coming up shortly), and I wasn’t on top of things enough this morning to make them happen then. I also need to keep following the plan and take real steps toward getting rid of the source of the tension giving me a headache, but I haven’t been able to make myself do any of the steps of the plan today. I hate that, it makes me feel tired and demoralized, but that’s the truth.

I’m not writing today off as a complete waste. I did spend a good chunk of the morning working on setting up goals and rewards in other areas, which are needful too — making real progress in things that aren’t my big fight are good and necessary. Especially doing things to support my health and fitness, which those goals are intended to do. But still, I know that the big fight isn’t going anywhere, and today I haven’t even shown up in the ring. The fear-monster is going to win today by default, if I don’t make an effort to at least bop it on the nose with rolled-up newspaper.

Life is just stupidly hard sometimes. Between the sheer amount of work it takes to cover our basic human needs, the extra weight of pain and sickness when they visit us, and the complications we make for ourselves and each other by being flawed, blind people, life is stupidly hard. It is a demoralizing, debilitating truth for me today.

Nonetheless, I’m alive and need to keep acting like it, even if I’d rather just give up and go back to sleep. I’m going to look for something small to do inside my plan, one tiny, inconsequential, real thing I can do before I need to leave home. If all I can do today is hit the fear-monster with a Nerf bat, I will at least do that.

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2 comments so far

  1. dee on

    am also stuck, despite having made some strides into new territory. starting to fall into thinking all is lost, but will take a tiny step myself after writing this and head to the studio: even if it is only to pick up a piece of charcoal and nothing more. am going to try to let go of all negatives around the things i have not managed, and deliberately say yes to something small that i will simply do without juding it as good or bad. time to just enter into a blank space devoid of logical expectations and allow other processes to take over.
    your post helps.

    • stitchesandwords on

      And how did your one step go?

      One small, real step taken today matters. Take another one tomorrow. It *matters*.

      stitchesandwords.wordpress.com


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