The respite

Wednesday was a hard, hard day.  Yesterday morning woke up grim and bleak.  I was tired and not positive, but set toward starting to change things.

I had a few tasks with deadlines to handle in the morning, and then had to take a break.  Last weekend my brother asked if I could watch Smiley Boy (by some known as Smiles the Kid) in the afternoon, to cover a gap between his and my sister-in-law’s work schedules.  I was happy to agree, so at lunchtime I pulled up stakes at home and went to their house in town, taking along what I’d need to keep working when Smiley Boy had his afternoon nap.

I would never have known, but it was a well-timed, badly needed break.  I got to play trucks and trailers with Smiley Boy, beat on the floor with “drumsticks” (actually foam edge pieces to a floor mat), have lunch with him and his dad, and read stories before naptime.  There’s nothing like playing with a little kid to pull you out of yourself, especially if you can drop being a grownup far enough to really join in with what they’re doing.

I had a couple of hours, then, in which I could have tried to work.  Instead, I found a new puzzle game for my iPad and spent those couple of hours solving levels, giving my mind a rest from hard, complicated problems by fixing easy, simple ones.  Even simple puzzle games can bolster one’s sense of achievement and competency; winning and finishing always feel good, even in the very small scale of a game.

I didn’t do what I intended to do yesterday, which was start planning my steps toward financial security and finding a better kind of work.  But I realized in the middle of everything that I had been given a gift of space and time, with things to pull me out of the dark fear-ridden mindset that Wednesday left me in.  I wasn’t ready to think strategically yet, too reactive, too negative. Today I have my spirit back.  Today is the day to plan my campaign against the fear-monster and the results of my own stupid choices.

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