The plan

I have a plan now.

Today I have been making bread, as a treat for myself, and working on plans for how I want the “employment” and “financial” categories of my life to go next. In between bouts of mixing and kneading, I’ve been writing ideas in a brand new scribbledy notebook, categorizing them by projects, prioritizing them by need and sensibleness, getting rid of things that just don’t fit or that aren’t really going to help or that I’m just not interested in pursuing right now. By lunchtime, I had the shape of it done. It didn’t actually take very long; the bread dough and some cleaning absorbed more of my morning.

I’m of two minds about having a plan; or perhaps, two emotional states. One of them is relief, to have the big hairy ball of dusty, undifferentiated ideas that’s been rolling around in my head finally out of my head, untangled and brushed up and sorted into something useful. So much energy is wasted when there are a whole bunch of things that could happen, but one doesn’t know which one ought to happen next, and then next after that. I’ve done that sorting now, at least as a beginning. I have clear next-things, steps that I can see are the most important ones, now I’ve written everything out.

The other emotional thing is nervousness, I believe, it’s harder to get hold of and take a good look at. I think it’s the tension of having acknowledged what’s most important, what needs to happen first, and knowing that some of those first steps are the ones I want to do least. Imagine that. Could avoidance of these now-obvious first things be why I haven’t been getting anywhere except stuck? What a surprise. No, look at me, I’m surprised. Really.

My bread dough is finishing its final rise and the oven is heating up; the moment approaches when the loaves face their moment of transformation. I’m feeling the nervousness of facing my own moments of transformation, not here just yet, but represented by these lists of steps to take, practical actions to move me forward. They’re numbered and everything; I have a list item with a “1.” in front of it. I suppose that’s what I ought to do after posting this, ought I not? Yes, I ought.


1 comment so far

  1. dee on


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