What I choose

I have observed before that sometimes the most heartfelt, powerful prayers are the most blunt ones, the ones where emotion can’t be tamed into pretty, prim words.

Tuesday afternoon, lying on my back in bed in the midst of a deep funk, my prayers were all blunt. I felt horrible and wrong and angry and tired, I prayed. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do, I prayed. I want to have the next section of my life settled now, I want to have a paying job, I want to know what I’m supposed to do. I want to do what you have in mind, God, I prayed, and I don’t know what that is, and why will you just not fix this already?

There were other prayers to say, though, prayers I had to add. Hard ones, also blunt. From the very beginning of the year, even before I knew my job was ending, I have been praying, “Choose whatever you want for me, and that’s what I choose.” I have prayed numerous times for God to send whatever he wants to me, and that’s what I’ll take. I can’t say that’s what I want, because it may or may not be what I want. That doesn’t matter. It’s a prayer of the will, aside from wants.

I’ve been praying this because I believe God has better ideas than mine. I believe I was designed and purpose-built to be good at specific things, things the world needs, and God’s the one who thought that up and made it happen. He is more wise and more clever than I am, and whatever he has in mind is for the best — my best and someone else’s best, other people who need me and what I can do. If I give him half a chance, he’ll do something astonishing, and I’ll get to be part of it. I’ll get to do work and have experiences in life that I would never have imagined, if he gets to have his way, because his imagination is beyond human imagining. But to get to that bit, I have to give him free reign. I have to let him set things up. I have to wait for the right time and the right order of events, and I don’t know what that is. I don’t get a checklist. I get a God who says “Seriously, you have to trust me. You can’t live without trusting me, and this is how you have to learn it. This is how it works.”

I don’t like that answer. I don’t like it one blessed bit, but it’s the only answer there is. This is where I find out if God is good for his word. This is where I take a chance on being part of something bigger than I would have thought up for myself, and the only way to get to it is the same simple prayer I have held all along: whatever you choose for me, that’s what I choose.

I don’t know what happens next. I don’t know what to do yet, or where I belong, or where to look, or what I’m going to be doing next week or month. I don’t know what my next job will be. I don’t know what kind of hard knocks and challenging days are coming. I’m putting God’s name on the line, and letting it be his call. If something amazing comes, then the credit will be all his. If nothing amazing happens, that’ll be me screwing things up again. But I don’t really believe my ability to screw things up is bigger than God’s ability to make astonishing things happen. I know very little, but I do trust in that.

Whatever you choose, Lord, send me that. Ready for it or not, that’s my pick.


1 comment so far

  1. NancyN44 on

    “I have prayed numerous times for God to send whatever he wants to me, and that’s what I’ll take.”

    How will you recognize it when it comes? Are you waiting for something that fits your thoughts and feelings as to what it should be? Have you stepped away from all the minutiae going on in your life and taken a step on a different path?

    These questions are rhetorical and not meant to be hard on you – Lord knows, you are more hard on yourself than anyone outside can be. You have a beautiful voice; sing, write, share, love

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