Bad dream

I dreamed again this morning about having to go back to my old job.

It’s happened a few times since I left, where for some reason I’m there again — this time it was that I was brought back to do some spreadsheet work that I had been responsible for.  It was months after I had gone, just like in real life, and for some reason no-one else had been able to learn how to do it, or had time, or something.  So I was pulled back for a few days, just to do this one thing.

I get these dreams when I’m really scared of moving forward, which I think I have been feeling again lately; I’ve been trying to stay focused on objective things, but there’s a constant undercurrent of uncertainty about what happens next.  I’m edging closer to being ready to make some proposals on freelance jobs, but I could be ready now if I would just finish up what needs doing and get a move on.  It’s fear in the way, fear of a big new thing.

And on the other side, a different kind of fear; I’m scared to go back to a typical office environment, scared of what it may do to me.  I don’t want to become again the complacent, stuck, deeply unhappy person I was there.  I have grown and changed a lot in the intervening months, true.  I’m stronger and smarter than I was then.  But I like this version of me, and I don’t want to risk losing her.  I don’t know what would happen if I took the new me into an old environment; which would bend?

I’m having to remind myself this morning that my choices are not as narrow as fear makes them out to be.  Every office is its own environment with its own people and culture, and I can’t guess what any of them are like without being there.  And I am a stronger, smarter me now, and maybe I need to trust in that a little more.

On the other side, I haven’t really engaged with freelance work enough yet to know what it’s about, to know what doing it is really like.  It’s scary because it’s unknown — but fear takes the unknown quantity and throws a huge shadow around it, giving it the illusion of something lurking and ominous.  The way to face it is to go into the shadow, to blow away the dark and see what the real thing inside it is.

And that’s only two options.  There are other kinds of jobs than traditional office jobs and contract work.  It’s not an either-or choice, as much as fear wants to narrow the apparent field for me.

A good friend reminded me the other week that the only real direction is forward.  My dream showed me that fear has been the lurking thing getting in my way this week, making progress hard.  That’s good; I know what to do about fear.

Go forward.

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1 comment so far

  1. tamikaeason on

    I’ve been in this place- many times. But, when I learn to cast my cares (fears) at the feet of Jesus I find confidence.

    There are many things about tomorrow that I may not understand, but I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand! (That’s a song):)

    Love your blog!


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