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Yesterday morning I was encouraged by a very good friend and wise counselor to think about the idea that abundance is already on the way to me, that even though I don’t know how this unsettled period of my life is going to resolve, it’s going to be resolved well.  My friend and I share similar beliefs about God and faith and how the world is run, so I understand what she means — not some kind of woo-woo vague silly nonsense, but that God is in charge and has things planned and is taking care of us, yes really, even if we can’t see The Plan and sometimes wonder what on earth is going on.

We talked about it for a while, and I thought about it on my own through the afternoon.  I realized that I didn’t disagree with her, and yet the idea just made me sad, because underneath I don’t believe it applies to me.  I can see how it does for other people, that love and provision are there for them, but it’s as though I’m excluded from the principle.  It’s not untrue.  It’s just not true for me.

I can’t argue this on a logical basis and I wouldn’t try.  The fact of it is clearly wrong; why would I be excluded from love?  Why would I be unprovided for, disallowed from providence?  I know the facts are otherwise, but facts aren’t enough.  It’s not that they don’t matter, but other things matter more.  Facts only go head-deep.  Lives are built on much deeper stuff.

I’m wrestling with my non-belief of this truth, my inability to live according to it so far, my exclusion of myself from love and abundance.  I need to wrestle with this, because I feel deeply that it’s a major block in the way of living well and moving forward, of being able to take care of myself in good ways, of being able to choose what I want to pursue in life.  This is a fact I want to become belief, to become a heart-truth, the kind of thing I can build the rest of my life on.

I’m looking hard at my perception of being excluded, and also thrashing this out in the presence of God, with a very simple prayer: prove me wrong.  My heart-belief right now is that I’m not loved and You’re not generous and the world is not full of abundance and opportunity.  I can’t change this on my own, I can’t change it without experiencing the contrary.  Please, prove me wrong.

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2 comments so far

  1. Lynn on

    I think you may need to ALLOW yourself to SEE the love and support that is already flooding your way.

  2. NancyN on

    In my faith, we pray and then ACT AS IF that prayer is answered. You are loved.


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