Today’s list

Yesterday evening I was feeling tired, lethargic, vaguely sad. I knew I needed sleep but didn’t want to go to bed. This morning so far feels about the same. I had an idea of what I needed to do today, but I’m editing the list. Now it looks like this:

  • Sleep. (Already done. I got up today at 11:30am.)
  • Drink tea.
  • Eat food.
  • Drink water.
  • Drink more water.
  • Work on easy house chores.
  • Go to a scheduled appointment with my counselor.
  • Go to taiji class.
  • Rest.
  • Sleep.
  • I’ve been fighting hard. I’ve been of many minds about my life and my employment situation and my prospects, I’ve had to keep changing what I expect based on new information, and that’s never easy for me. It takes a lot of internal processing, and most of it accompanied by fear. I’m tired. Right now I just want to give up. So, for today, I am.

    I’m not good at taking care of myself. My body-needs and heart-needs don’t speak as loudly as my ideas and visions for what could be and my daydreams and the insidious internal-other that needles me with “ought” and “should.” I treat myself like a calculating-machine, like an android.

    I’m weary. I’m dehydrated. I’m hungry. I’m stiff from lack of exercise. My surroundings are dirty and cluttered from neglect. This is my list today. I’m also confused and scared and depressed and worried, but I can’t even start to work on those until I remember my humanity and nurture what’s needs tending there.

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