Not what I expected

This past weekend I was away at the New York Sheep and Wool Festival in Rhinebeck, NY.  I have been intending to write about it, once I had time and caught up on sleep and got my thoughts together, I thought I knew what I wanted to say, but I have been struggling for the past two days — not to find words, but with my reaction to coming home, with what I have been feeling.  Yesterday I was really tired, and thought that’s all it was.  Today I have to call it depressed.  I’m really feeling down about life right now.

There are not many places in the world where I feel like I really belong; not so many people who make me feel, not simply welcomed, but wanted, that my presence makes their experience of something better.  If I exclude my family, most of those people were at Rhinebeck, and for a little while I got to feel welcomed and wanted, and it was a joy, for a little while.  Coming home, picking up my ordinary life, makes me realize how little of that I feel in this ordinary life, how little joy I have, how little active expression of love, how little interest in what I do, how disconnected I am from the people I work with — how little joy and peace.  How much disillusionment, how much uncertainty, how terribly I want change, and how scared I am that it won’t come, that I won’t be able to do it.  Today that really hurts.  I thought going away to Rhinebeck would help me feel better for a while, but today all I want to do is cry.

All my fiber peeps, all of you I got to visit for a while: I miss you and I love you, and I hope life is treating you well today.  I hope we’ll get to see each other soon. 

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3 comments so far

  1. Naomi on

    *Hugs*.

  2. Lynn on

    More hugs.

  3. Mardi on

    Wish I could have added my IRL hugs to the others you got. Be assured, you are cherished, Cris.


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