The slide

I can feel it happening again.  Nerves.

I don’t know what it is tonight.  The morning was fine; the afternoon, I think fine but now I’m thinking it over, I’m not as sure.  I think I was starting to be moody before I went for my normal Sunday visit to my parents.  Nothing out of the ordinary happened there; just time at home.  Now I’m back at my place, and I’m … anxious.

One of the worst things about anxiety is that it feeds on itself; it feeds on just the suggestion of itself.  I know I’ve struggled with it and not always done well, and so just the thought, wait am I anxious? can make me become anxious.  Especially when I can’t pinpoint a cause.  I want so badly to have a reason for feeling bad, so I know what to change.  And right now, I can’t find it.

Options: is it physical?  Mental?  Spiritual?  I misinterpret signs, especially physical ones; I’m the absentminded sort that occasionally forgets to eat until late afternoon, and then wonders why I feel vaguely sick.  Or I wake up with a headache, and just think that I’m grouchy.  Signals get crossed.  I can’t think of anything that’s physically wrong, though.  Maybe simple tiredness, did I get enough sleep last night?  I’m not sure.  I’ll have some tea, my head is stuffy.  That never helps anything.

Is it the fact that it’s Sunday, and tomorrow is another week back at work, with all the associated uncertainties?  I don’t feel it for sure, but it can’t be pushed aside.  Possible.

Am I putting anything off?  I think there are a couple of things I have been avoiding.  I should make sure those happen next.

Anything else?  I really don’t know.  I can feel the tension in my neck now, it wasn’t there when I started writing.  Focusing on the idea that I’m anxious sometimes makes me feel worse, but I don’t know how to think it through without focusing on it, and if I don’t make a point of noticing, I’m afraid I’ll continue to slide away until I have to deal with something harder and worse.

Uncertainty is the worst thing.  I hate not knowing what’s going on, not understanding things, not being able to get thoughts and words around it so I can know what it is.  But it seems like uncertainty is my lot for the moment.  If it is, then … so be it.  I will sip my tea and search for some calmness, and whether or not I find it, tomorrow will come and I will keep walking.  Hobbled or not.  Wish me luck.

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