Entr’acte

Today is a dangerous time. Not the facing lions or sharks kind of dangerous, not even the killer-rabbits with nasty, big, pointy teeth kind.

I mean the danger of complacency. The danger of getting through something hard, feeling you’ve dodged a bullet of sorts, and then relaxing. Not hearing the next round being chambered. (Have I mentioned I’m a metaphorical thinker? That last one may be a little over-dramatic, sorry about that.)

It’s been an unusual week, and I feel a ton better than I did on Monday, after being forced to deal with the hardness that was Monday. Living inside a badly depressed day and not giving up was the key to booting me out of this last bout of depression. I feel enormously better, and better about myself, for having done it.

But I’m reminding myself, one win doesn’t constitute complete change. Yes, a single win can be a significant marker of change-in-progress, yes it’s important to have wins and acknowledge them, no I’m not trying to rob myself of something to feel good about. I still feel good about Monday. But I’ve been here before. I have a bad patch, and then I get past it, and then I sit still. I don’t keep moving. The situations which led me to be down, or anxious, or stressed, or hard on myself are still in place. The same bad mental patterns are ruffled, maybe shifted, but not removed. Somewhere down the road, they’re waiting to catch me again.

Real change is slow and real change requires sustained effort over time, and this is a skill I haven’t developed far enough. I let things drop, I get discouraged, I get distracted. I forget. For whatever reason, I get complacent. I don’t continue the work I start, and then later on I get tangled by the dangling ends. I fall back into the bad old patterns, and have a fight on my hands. I have to claw my way back out again.

I daresay some emotional up-and-down is a given part of life, but I would wish for the extremes to be leveled out; I would like to be more resilient in the face of hard situations and emotional lows; I would like to be more free of the bad old mental and emotional patterns. To be more healed, to be more whole. There’s still work to be done.

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1 comment so far

  1. Mardi on

    Yes, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Each one of those days that you conquer and add as a notch to your belt increases your confidence level for the next one, and so on, and so on…they are not insignificant. Each one is tiny, but add them all together and they are a force to be reckoned with. Keep on keepin’ on!!


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