In Between

Last weekend, I drove myself to a place where I wanted a change — spastic, frantic change.  Dramatic change.  I was convinced upending my entire life was the correct thing to do and would lead to greatness and trumpets and the clouds opening and … um, something.

My family confronted me with the hard, real-life consequences of dramatic change, not because they don’t want to see greatness and whatnot, but because they care, and they are strong realists, and I often am not.

After the frantic energy of keying myself up for several days, the return to normal reality was hard.  My brain was tired and my body was tired.  I kept my nose pointed at my responsibilities and didn’t think about much of anything else, and it was a relief to do so.  For a while.

Since yesterday, depression has been creeping in — so slowly, so gently that I didn’t know what it was at first.  I’m down in the dumps, and I feel rather like I’ve failed.  I didn’t carry through my great moment of change, and so I’m stuck.

I don’t do change well.  Either I want to rush through things and get on to what’s next reallyfast, or I simply don’t do anything differently … ever.  In this case, I don’t think either one is right, but in between is a hard spot for me to be:  the place of slow, deliberate change.  Moving by small steps toward something different.  Choosing to live with the pain of the old for a while, while reaching out toward something else.

I don’t know how to stay in this space, by choice.  My personality drives me to want leaps forward, just for the sake of having things decided and finished.  I have real issues with the concept of “life is a journey;” I need to know where I’m traveling to, or else what’s the point of keeping on walking?

What we do determines the lessons we are going to be offered by life.  If I had chosen the life-upending option, I would have been forced to learn one set of lessons, possibly in a very harsh way.  By not upending my life, I am presented a different lesson:  how to live with the process of deliberate change.  With the danger, so close beside it, of not accepting the lesson, of not changing at all.  I don’t want to stay put, but it would be easy.  For a while.

This is a bitter lesson to face, but it is also one I badly need.  I am praying for the grace to stay with it and learn.


1 comment so far

  1. enallagma9 on

    Major change is often slow. It’s easy to quit your job today/walk out of a marriage today/blow all your savings on a flashy red convertible today. It’s hard to say to yourself, this will not do, and then figure out where to go from there in a sensible way.

    So, where do you want to go? Or how do you think you might go there? What are the steps you could take? Break it down into do-able steps.

    Also, while families can be very helpful to talk to, they often are fearful of change. Drastic change can indeed be not good, but change, in itself, is not bad. Find other people to talk to in addition to your family.

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